


I Love You for Who You Are, Past Scars and All

by rainbowchristy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Dubious Consent, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Scratching, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-23
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2020-10-04 16:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20473982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rainbowchristy/pseuds/rainbowchristy
Summary: Anonymous Prompt: An angsty fic where Dan was abused as a child and Phil doesn’t find out until very recently. Lots of angst! No smut, please!





	I Love You for Who You Are, Past Scars and All

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Rape, Physical/Mental Child Abuse, Negative slurs, Mild Self-Harm (scratching).

Phil isn’t exactly the most observant person in the world. He often missed things people said and did and most of the time didn’t notice when he said something inappropriate until someone (usually Dan) points it out to him.

Dan loved this quality of him. Not only was it an easy target for jokes, it also made hiding his past easier. Though he still squirmed at loud noises and hated yelling, he was getting better and his secret was still safe.

He trusted Phil, that was a no brainer. However, opening up about his dad was something he’d never done, not even to his psychologist. Maybe it wasn’t healthy to keep something like that to himself but he hated feeling vulnerable and that’s exactly what his dad did to him.

Dan and Phil had been dating for two years and met three years before that. When they’d first started dating and Phil had made a move to go further in their relationship, Dan tried to push through his fear. It didn’t last long however, as soon as Dan’s shirt was off, he had tears rolling down his flushed cheeks.

Phil, being the perfect boyfriend that he was, stopped kissing him immediately, apologised and tried to make Dan as comfortable as possible. They’d never talked about that night since but Dan knew what Phil thought about it. He thought Dan was so pathetic and useless he couldn’t even have sex with his boyfriend.

After their first attempt, Phil had tried a few other times to initiate something more but was always shut down quickly by Dan’s inability to control his tear ducts. Phil had stopped trying once he’d realised Dan wasn’t and, likely for a long time, wouldn’t be able to engage in anything sexual.

Phil, based on Dan’s behaviour, had assumed Dan was asexual. He was perfectly fine with this. Though sex was a nice benefit of dating someone, he would never be able to do it if it made Dan uncomfortable in any way. It never once crossed Phil’s mind that something more could have been going on.

“Dan,” Phil said in a serious tone, getting his boyfriend’s attention.

“Phil,” Dan mimicked back, smiling.

“I need to ask you something, and you have to answer me. No running away,” he continued. Dan nodded for Phil to continue so he did. “Did something happen when you were a kid? You know all about my childhood and family life but I don’t know anything about you before we started talking on skype. Whenever I approach the subject, you shy away and try to change it and it’s worrying me. Just- did something happen when you were younger that you don’t want me to know about?”

_ “Daniel,” his father slurred from Dan’s doorway. Dan was sat on his bed, fully dressed, and in a skype call with Phil. _

_ “Yes, father?” he asked once he muted the mic. _

_ “I’m lonely...” he explained. Dan knew exactly what that meant and his face dropped. He un-muted the mic before dismissing Phil. _

_ “I’ve gotta go; my dad needs me. I’ll talk to you tomorrow?” he asked. _

_ “Hurry up!” his father said in a slightly raised voice, causing Dan to flinch. Phil sent a worried look through the camera and agreed they’d talk tomorrow. _

_ The second Dan’s laptop was closed, his dad was across the room, climbing on top of him on the bed. _

“Dan? Dan! Oh good, you're back. You zoned out on me for a bit. Are you okay?” Phil asked worriedly, holding Dan by the shoulders.

Dan broke out of the embrace, holding in the sob at the memory of his dad holding him like that. “Don’t,” was all he got out before running from the lounge and towards his bedroom, locking the door behind him.

“Dan!” Phil called loudly through the door. He continued to yell, only getting louder and only causing Dan to breakdown more. Phil eventually gave up, choosing to sit against the door outside and whisper Dan’s name to him, begging him to open the door. That was worse than the yelling. He remembered the times his dad snuck into his room at early hours of the morning, whispering his name as he undressed him while he was still half unconscious.

_ Dan locked the door before he went to sleep at night. It was the only way to make sure his father couldn’t get in, well, unless he remembered he had the spare key. _

_ “Daniel, I’m lonely,” his father called from outside the door. Dan’s sleeping body took no notice of the words. “Come on, let me in. You know we always have fun together,” he spat out. Even when there was a forced click from the door and it swung open, Dan continued to lay unconscious on the bed. _

_ His father moved over to him, slipping on a sleeping mask so he couldn’t see if and when he awoke from his sleepy state. His father liked him like that: unable to see. He continued to sleep as his shirt was removed. Next was his pants and boxers which easily slipped off his small frame as he was only eating one meal a day (his father said he’d be too fat otherwise). _

_ Dan only awoke when his father entered his small body while gripping painfully at his hair. Dan muffled a cry as he opened his eyes and was met with more darkness. His father continued thrusting until he came, signalling the suffering was coming to an end. _

Dan scratched at his skin, desperately needing to feel clean for once in his life. He knew it was no use though. No matter how much he scrubbed, scratched and picked, he’d never be clean. Once Phil knew, he’d leave Dan, thinking he’s a disgusting slut, which he is.

Phil broke opened the door with a hairpin once Dan let out a particularly violent sob. “Dan!” Phil gasped when he saw what Dan had done to his arms. His arms were all scratched up, any small imperfection Dan had found had been picked out and removed. “Bear, talk to me,” he coaxed, moving to sit on the bed and hug Dan.

Not wanting the contact, Dan tried feebly to pull away but Phil wasn’t letting go, not risking him running off again. “Please,” he begged. Phil had no idea what he was begging for but it hurt to hear nonetheless. “Please, p-please d-don’t hurt m-me.” At that, Phil’s heart broke. He released Dan from his grip but was tense and ready to grab him again if he chose to run.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he said quietly, but loud enough that Dan could clearly hear and understand what he’d said. The phrase got misinterpreted through transmission as Dan sobbed loudly again and lay back on the bed, wrists connected above his head. All Dan had heard from Phil’s sentence was ‘hurt’ and Dan tried to give him what he wanted, thinking maybe less pain would come that way.

“Baby, no,” he whispered, trying to pretend Dan’s body didn’t convulse at the word. Phil chose to sit there and wait for Dan to calm down. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t even know what was going on.

Once Dan had calmed down, he wrapped himself in a blanket burrito and said nothing.

“Dan, can you talk to me, please? I don’t know what to do and I’m scared. You have to talk to me so I can help you,” he begged. Dan continued to stare at nothing, eyes not flickering or moving. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying here till you talk to me,” he decided, standing his ground for perhaps the first time in his life.

Dan remained silent for another three hours until he sat himself up and wiped final tears from his eyes. He knew if he was to tell Phil his past, more tears were going to come quickly.

“He used to kiss me,” Dan said into the silence, startling Phil.

“Who?” Phil questioned, happy Dan was finally talking to him.

“My dad. He used to- he used to kiss me on the lips. And pin me down on the bed and...” he trailed off, not having the courage to finish the sentence. He didn’t have to though, Phil knew exactly what Dan was saying and he had to hold back tears of his own. He had to stay strong for Dan.

Phil supported Dan as he retold the first time it happened when he was four to when it happened the night before he met Phil. Dan was surprisingly emotionless throughout the recount, though Phil contributed that to the amount of emotion Dan had had in the past few days. The brain had to run out of emotional chemicals eventually, and Dan’s limit seemed to be a few days worth of tears.

“Bear, I’m so sorry that happened to you. You need to know I will never hurt you. I understand that you don’t want our relationship to be anything more than romantic and I’m perfectly okay with that. If you want to, one day, go further, we can. If you never want to do more than light kisses on the lips, that’s fine too,” Phil comforted.

“I’m sorry, Phil. I’m sorry I’m such a slut,” he bit out, a new tear falling from his eye.

“You’re not a slut, Dan. You were assaulted and that in no way is okay or makes you a slut. I love you, okay? I love you for who you are, none of this will change that,” he said, pecking Dan lightly on the lips.

Dan smiled into the kiss and let it continue a few more seconds than what was normal for them.

“I love you too,” he whispered when they broke apart. “Thank you, Phil.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it! It's a bit angsty but that's what I prefer writing so most of my stories have angst elements in them.
> 
> Let me know what you think.


End file.
